Journals
Journal #1: September
September 15, 2021
So far I’ve had a lot of troubles this year. I have been unable to attend school due to anxiety, but I am currently in therapy and am completing all of my schoolwork that I can. I want to attend school in person soon because while I have been keeping up with the rest of my classes I am a little behind on my Capstone. I didn’t really have an idea in mind that I cared deeply about until around the first week of school. Almost every day I hear about another law proposed or violent attack against transgender people, and I had come to find that many people, online, in public, and even in our own government, are pretty uneducated on gender. I wondered why, then I thought about my own school. I had, in previous years, noticed that a lot of people, even students in our school, aren’t very educated on the topic of gender and transgender people. Sex is talked about in health courses, but I myself had never learned anything about gender in school. I had to do most of that learning from resources outside of school like the internet and my local library, which not many people have the time or care enough to learn for themselves. This is a cause that I do care deeply about because I feel so many people misunderstand it and would be a lot more accepting if they didn’t. I want to help educate my classmates so I could create a more aware environment. But even then, I wasn’t exactly sure how to execute it. To get ideas, I looked at former students Capstones and it gave me the idea to do presentations in school and to create a social media account. It had worked for previous students, so I figured it would work for me. I want to periodically do informative presentations on gender and trans issues to my fellow seniors to help spread awareness to an often misunderstood part of our society. I want to center the dates of these presentations on important dates for the trans community, such as Pronouns Day (Oct. 17), Trans Awareness Week (Nov. 13-19), and Trans Day of Visibility (March 31). I also want to keep a social media account with links to those presentations and also helpful and reliable resources where students can learn more. I’m also thinking about giving my peers surveys before and after each presentation to share their feelings before and after and to give feedback. This would help answer my (current) research question: Will my peers be more accepting of gender, trans people, and trans issues once they are properly informed? My goal is to create a more informed and accepting environment in an area that many are uninformed of or hold biases against in our school. While most of the project is beginning to take form, I still don’t have a mentor to oversee my project. I haven’t seeked out a mentor yet, partially because I am unsure where to start, but also because my anxiety gets really bad in social situations, especially when I am talking to new people. This is likely going to be a big obstacle to overcome during my senior year. A personal goal of mine for this year is to overcome this obstacle and to create a healthy social life. I am anxious right now, as I write this, because my proposal is due tomorrow and this journal (to a lesser extent) which is due in two days. I usually try to finish all of my schoolwork as soon as possible, like I have been in my other classes so far this year, but my anxiety really makes it hard to perform socially and all I can do is try my best to get through it. I hope to be back in school and back on track soon, probably at the end of this month or early October. Then, I feel, it’ll start to get much easier for me to act on my project once I become more comfortable around my peers. I’m making progress in therapy right now, and things are staring to get a little better. I’m at a really hard time in my life right now, but it will be worth it. My grades are looking good so far, and I aim to keep it up to stay on track with my 12th grade academic goals. Going to therapy is also helping me stay on track for my wellness and personal goals. These goals are important to me and will help me to become an adult. This is all I have to say for now, and hopefully I will have more positive things to say next month.
Journal #2: October
October 04, 2021
The last three weeks have been both a struggle and an improvement. I have made good progress towards being able to return to school, creating a plan with the staff and teachers to come to school one period per day, then when I am ready, two, then three, and so on until I am able to return to school for full days at a time. I am planning on attending at least once in the next week or two, just to get that first step of being in school out of the way. I don’t want to rush myself, because even though I am making progress, forcing myself into situations I am uncomfortable in can make things worse. I am beginning to make changes, starting to become more comfortable with myself. Attending therapy has really helped me with my anxiety, and I have been told I have made lots of progress. I am beginning to become more comfortable being myself around people. I’ve worked my way down from four hours per day to three, then down from five days a week to three, which will give me much-needed time for schoolwork so I can focus on going to school. Not going to school didn’t have much impact on my schoolwork until about last week, but since then it has been piling up. The vast majority of it comes from just two classes, Capstone and English, with a smaller amount from Calculus BC, and doing work from one class hurts the others. For example, last week we began an outline for our English paper, which I have only today completed because of daily Calculus work but more importantly Capstone work. I have also fallen behind on Capstone, having little time to complete much of my presentation since the beginning of last week. This is where I believe going to school would benefit me more, so I can get more help and class time to work on my assignments for those two classes. My biggest concerns about returning to school have been being around the other students, because I am worried about how the other students will treat me. In therapy, I am becoming more comfortable around others, but those people are people who relate to me and will support me. There are no guarantees in school and most students likely wouldn’t be so accepting based on past experiences. My Capstone period has 25 students, which is a lot, but that may not be too bad as with the big class size I am less likely to draw attention to myself. As for my Capstone, I have made progress since September 15, but it has slowed down a lot in the last week due to English work. My first presentation, “What is Gender?”, which I plan to present sometime later this month, likely around Pronouns Day (Oct. 20), is meant to explain what gender is, how it differs from sex, intersex conditions, gender identity, gender expression, how people transition socially, medically, surgically, and legally from one gender to another, and finally listing some gender-diverse groups (trans/non-binary/genderfluid etc.). I am about halfway done, I have completed most of the explaining gender part, about half of the transitioning part, and some of the intersex explanation part. I feel like I could use someone’s feedback, to get a better idea of what I need to say, and how I can say it properly, which is where a lack of a mentor is really hurting me. I still haven’t reached out to anyone and that is still a lot due to my anxiety. Due to this, I will try reaching out to someone soon, and will continue to work on my social anxiety. Looking back on the last three weeks, there have been a lot of positives but also some negatives that need to be corrected. Once I correct these negatives I can have a productive and positive school year.
Journal #3: End of October
November 05, 2021
October was a pretty stressful month in terms of workload. For about a week and a half, I was simultaneously writing my Research Paper in this class on Gender Education and my ECE English paper on the ethics around IVF use for Sex Selection. While there was a little overlap, the two papers were on different topics so it took up a lot of time doing two different papers. I approached both papers like a professional who had done their research, which was mainly due to my English class teaching me about entering the conversation and that I wanted to be seen on the same level as the authors of many online readings I had done from supporters and detractors of my views, many of whom were much more qualified than me. My passion for writing when I take on topics that interest me also motivated me, because I want other people to know about those things. I learned a lot from my research paper, most importantly that experiments similar to my plan for my Capstone have been done before with positive results, which really helped me out. I was worried my project would have little to no effect but from the research I did the outcomes look promising. I am proud of my work put into my research paper and how well it turned out in the end, especially with all of the time constraints I had. As for my goals for the year so far, I’ve fallen behind a little. I’ve made steps in the college front, requesting letters of recommendation, setting up a CommonApp, and even applying for the Coca-Cola scholarship. The early application deadlines are approaching, however, so I need to pick up the pace if I want to have everything ready by those dates. For school, I’ve had a big increase in the workload, with the exception of a few days here and there, but so far my grades have not been negatively impacted. I did get a bit worried at the end of the first quarter last week, as time was a bit tight to get everything in before grades closed, but it all turned out okay. I have lost a lot of free time, however, which has most negatively impacted working on my first presentation. I’ve only had about 30-40 minutes to work on it the entire last month, and I’m not proud of the lack of progress I have made on that front. I need to dedicate more time to it if I want it to turn out well. Most of the field work that I entered in my log for my presentation was from September, so I need to make sure I am continuing to work on my presentations. Like I stated before, I work better when I work on topics that interest me, so the more time I spend on it the better it should turn out. Unfortunately, I am still missing out by not being in school. I’m not getting the full experience that students in school are and I need to return to school soon. I’m missing out on in-class instructions and discussions that are proving to be necessary to get the most out of class. I’ve finished my therapy program, which helps dilute the workload as it gives me more time during, the week, and makes it easier to return to school when I am ready, which is becoming pretty soon. I am currently talking to my school counselor about returning to school. My English teacher even said my classmates miss me and that motivates me a little to come back to school. So my goals for myself for this month are to return to school, finish my first presentation, and catch up on my schoolwork, which right now seem like tall tasks but I wouldn’t make them goals if I didn’t think that I could complete them. These last two months of the calendar year are crucial and I need to maximize my time now that I have more of it.
Journal #4: November
November 30, 2021
November was a challenging month that had its successes and drawbacks. After two months of learning from home, I went back to school for the first time since May on Friday, November 12. I only went for my second period English class. It was a small class of 12 and it was only for about 70 minutes so I agreed to go on a Friday so I had the weekend to decide if I wanted to return. It was the first time I had been out in school. It went well, so I decided to return the full five days the next week. It went well enough that the week after, I added my third period Calculus class as well because it was a short week. Now I go to both every day and plan on eventually adding more. Getting back to school was likely one of the biggest steps I have made since coming out. It was hard to do at first, but once I was in the classroom I felt safe because my peers did not bring much attention to me and were pretty nice. I was really worried about coming to school, but I knew I could put it off no longer. I pushed myself even when I felt safer at home and it has benefitted me. Now I like coming to school and I feel I am getting the most out of my classes. My only main concern about being in school right now is having to walk in the hallways between classes. My social anxiety makes it hard to be around lots of people. I also worry about interactions. Only my two classes I have returned to have been informed of my current situation, so I feel uncomfortable around other students, especially those who might recognize me. For now I leave class early so I can be in the hallway while it’s empty. As I mentioned last month I finished my group therapy program and now I am seeking an individual therapist, so hopefully my anxiety will get easier to manage as the year goes on. Going back to school was the most out of my comfort zone I had been all year, and it took up a lot of my time. With the long drives to and from school I no longer had the luxury of not having to dedicate my time to getting ready for school. This doesn’t seem like much of an issue and it won’t be once I get used to it but I have to adapt to having less time in the day. Besides a couple slides I added to my presentation, I have not made any progress on my Capstone project. While I have returned to school, my partial day does not yet include my Capstone class, which is unfortunate because most of the Capstone instruction in the last month has been in the physical classroom and not online, so I have missed setting up the About Me page and the Mission Statement. Because of this, my grade in my Capstone class has suffered. I feel bad because I haven’t been doing very much on my Capstone in a while and I worry it shows a lack of commitment. And with the large class size I don’t feel as comfortable returning to Capstone class, as I did my current two classes, which were small and most students were in both classes. But I have to keep getting out of my comfort zone if I want to do better. With the return to school, I have caught up on most of my school work and should have more time in the next month to dedicate to my Capstone project. I have a meeting with Mrs. Boutilier this week which should help me get on track with my website and Mission Statement. Once I am finished with these, I will finish up my presentations and get started on the next phase of my project. Overall I’m proud of myself for being able to return to school but also aware that I need to do better and work harder on my Capstone project if I want to meet my deadlines. My work is cut out for me and I am up to the challenge.
Journal #5: December
December 20, 2021
So far, I can consider December a successful point for my Capstone project. In the last two weeks, I finished my first presentation, started the second one, and drafted the surveys I will be giving before and after the first presentation. I was also able to get good feedback on both from Mrs. Boutilier and Mrs. Zamorski, my ECE English 1010 teacher. I have received valuable and fortunately mostly positive feedback which helps boost my confidence in my work. I always ask for someone to look over any papers, presentations, or major assignments for feedback, because I value feedback (and to be honest, praise) greatly. Even today Mrs. Zamorski and I discussed potentially presenting in her classroom. Her classes throughout the day contain most of the seniors, so I came up with the idea that I could get almost all of the seniors in one day of presenting. This would make my project more efficient and require far less days of doing presentations. I was also able to complete as much of my website as currently possible so far, which is relieving. It’s pretty cool to see a website that I made out there. It feels so official. After putting the project on the backburner for the last two months, it’s satisfying to make so much progress in such a short time. Being in school (albeit for only about 2½ hours a day) has been a big help towards this, as I can communicate with my teachers face-to-face without having to play email tag. The unusually light workload from all of my classes has also helped a lot, as it lets me give almost all of my focus to my Capstone project. Three weeks ago, I was juggling an art project, an essay, and a load of Calculus assignments. Now I can give my Capstone my undivided attention. I have also been able to make progress on college application. I finished my college essay this past weekend, and all I have left to complete on my CommonApp is my grades. I had a meeting with Mrs. Rublemann today and she and I discussed college plans. While I didn’t feel I was doing very well, whe told me that I had done the bulk of the work, and I just needed to send out applications. This afternoon I looked at lists of colleges and their LGBT+ policies on my own to get an idea of campus environments. Looking back on it, I was unconsciously looking at data relevant to my Capstone: current attitudes and policies towards transgender people. This reminds me of why I started my project: these issues directly affect me and my peers, which is why I am motivated to make change. Having this “lightbulb” moment really hit home how much I was putting myself into my Capstone. On the personal side, the month of December has been about moving on. My last group therapy appointment was on the 13th, because the therapist was leaving, and just today I found out during my appointment with her that Mrs. Rublemann will be leaving on January 7th. This is a huge blow because both of these people have helped me a lot these last few months. While sad, it gives me a chance to reflect on how far I’ve come. The winter break will also give me more time to catch up on everything and have some time to myself. Overall these past few months I’ve improved a lot. I’m improving being a part of an active social environment and I’m keeping my priorities in order and meeting deadlines. While I was sidetracked to begin the year, I feel I have recovered nicely. I’m still working on feeling less stressed and anxious but I’m proud that I am in a much better place than I started the school year.
Journal #6: January
January 15, 2022
January was meant to be a big step forwards in my project. My first presentation was 100% completed and this Friday I was supposed to present it to all four 12th grade English classes. Unfortunately, school was closed on Friday. This month has taken a theme of setbacks out of my control, with delays, school closings, missing school because I needed to be COVID tested, and low student count in class. Friday was not the original date that I had planned to present, I was going to try on the 7th to just give it in Block 2 but school was closed, then there weren’t enough kids in class on Wednesday or Thursday this week because many have been missing school or have to quarantine due to possible COVID exposure. Thursday was an especially hard day because in third block we had a lockdown that lasted until the end of the school day. I normally leave school at 11:30 so staying there for three more hours was not ideal. Afterwards I had to walk out of school around hundreds of other students, which brought out my anxiety. Thursday wasn’t a good day for me, but I can move on. My work in all of my classes for the semester is finished, including an 11-page essay in English and a big final project for Graphic Design, so the Capstone is my main focus right now. Unfortunately, the fieldwork I planned to do this week couldn’t happen, and now I sit at only five hours so far, when I could’ve had at least six, maybe more. I also haven’t made any impacts so far because I wasn’t able to present. Not being able to present because of factors outside of my control hurts. Next semester will also make things harder as I plan to be in school for the full day. This adds to the workload and makes things more complicated for my project. I will have to find another class to do my presentations in, what blocks they have, and if they have enough of the senior class that I could get them all in one day. Part of why I chose English to give my presentation in was because Mrs. Zamorski had told me there wasn’t much overt negativity and it would be a good place to start. My plan for next semester is to finish and give all of my presentations to the senior class and collect all of my data. Going into a new semester gives me some anxiety because of all I have to do. School can be really stressful at times and it takes a lot out of my time and myself. Hopefully things will be easier in the future. In college applications, I have completed almost all of my applications and have met all of my deadlines, so that front will at least not be a problem anymore. I also made a big step for myself. Two weeks ago I filled out a form with my mother to change my legal name to Michelle, and I have an approval hearing next Monday. This is one of the most important and biggest steps of transitioning. I am grateful that I am able to change my name, a right many do not have, but I was also concerned about the $250 fee and all of the transportation involved. Someone who is low-income would be hit hard financially by a name change if they were struggling to make ends meet. Realizations like this make my project feel more important to me because spreading awareness lets issues like this be seen and can help them be remedied. My second presentation, about the transition process and barriers to transitioning will cover the name-change process. January started with a lot to look forward to but circumstances added a lot of challenges. While disappointed that I couldn’t present on Friday, I can still make progress and be ready for the second semester.
Journal #7: February
February 16, 2022
I made the most progress towards my Capstone project of the whole year so far in the last month. I gave my first presentation on Friday, January 21st, to my second block class. I started with second block because I thought it would be the most comfortable for me. It went very well. After that, I decided to do Blocks 1 and 3 on Monday, the 24th. I had a hard time in Block 1 because the class was noisy and I could hear some of the things they were saying. Nothing about me specifically, but it made me more nervous. I got through Block 1 without issues, though. Block 3 was more respectful, which made me feel better. One problem I did run into was not many of the students that day did the second set of surveys, which gives me less data and skews the results. I couldn’t stay for fourth block because I had to leave for court to get my legal name change approved. It was successful, and now I wait for the next step, receiving my Social Security card after I mailed in an application last week. The 24th was the last day I presented for almost two weeks, but in that time I got a lot of work done. I finished the second, third, and final presentations and received feedback from Mrs. Zamorski on them. I also drafted surveys which I sent out for feedback last week. I also completed my Career Field Research, which was something I was anxious towards. I interviewed Mrs. O’Connor, an English teacher at SMSA. It was more of a conversation than an interview, and I learned a lot about writing. I learned that there are online options to get work published in journals. I learned about how writing classes operate. I learned a lot about writing techniques and the writing process. Perhaps most importantly I learned that writing is not very financially supportive and it would be very likely that I would need another job to support my efforts. Overall I learned a lot from our conversation and also found out there was a lot I didn’t know. On February 8, I gave presentation 1 in Block 4, so now I have over 50 students covered. One concern I do have though is now that the semester has changed, I might not be able to get the people who saw the first presentation to see the rest of them when I would like to because the classes are different now. I am also worried about what I will do after I finish my presentations. Right now, all the work I have left to do is present, and if my math is right, if I present all three presentations in each class I should go from 9.5 hours to 12.5 hours. I will have to do something else in addition to my current undertaking if I want to reach 15 hours. Not having Capstone class this semester has also been a disadvantage. I’m not sure what to do with my project and what direction it needs to go in. Outside of Capstone, things have been better. With the new semester, I have been finishing all of my work on time and had time to work on my Capstone, which is why I have gotten so much done. I also go to school for the entire day now, which is a big improvement over before. I also found out the golf season is only a month away and signups are now open. Golf is something to look forward to for me, which is good. On the college side, I have finished all of my applications, so I am all done in that area, but I have a lot of scholarship applications to work on. Most of them have deadlines at the end of the month, so I need to spend the time I have in the weeklong break next week to finish them. The last month saw lots of progress but there’s still lots more to be done to complete my senior year.
Journal #8: March
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Journal #9:
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